Just keep plodding on...

Well, this has been an interesting week indeed.
A few weeks back we both decided that we wanted to buy a house and start family ASAP... the day after those talks, he changed his mind completely and ruled out having kids all together and became seriously depressed. As you can imagine, this devestated me and ever since I have been stuck in a really horrible place debating whether it is just a phase and he will come back or if I a wasting my time with an incredible man who simply doesn't want to pro-create.
Talk came back to that subject last weekend and he wrote me a letter stating that if he has the choice of keeping me and havin a child together or losing me completely, he would pick the first option. Great! I can now have a child with someone who doesn't 100% want one. That has now put me into an even more difficult place! I honestly don't know what I want, I know that I definately want a baby, which I will of course wait until the time is right... but is this the right to bring a life into the world with?
As always, talking about the future brought on a deppressive episode for him the following day which had been steadily getting worse over the week. Wednesday night I thought was his real low point... it wasn't. Thursday morning we woke up for his early alarm and he said he wasn't going into work and he would phone in and say he had been sick in the night. No matter how much I protested, I couldn't change his mind.
I also called my work and said I needed to be there for Tony. Thankfully they are really understanding and I still have some annual leave left! He slept/laid there moping until 11am when I was finally able to coax him out of bed. I thought that was huge progress and perhaps it wouldn't be as bad as I was expecting... I was wrong. He had a shower and went straight back to bed :-(
Around lunchtime I was able to get him up and we went for a really long walk which seemed to help massivly and that night, he was well enough to go to his delivery job. I talked him into it as it was only going to be an easy shift for a couple of hours, how wrong was I?! He didn't return home until midnight as they were short staffed! Doh!
Again I had to do a whole lot of reassuring about going to work the next morning which seemed to have worked. What a relief. He is now on the mend preparing for the next time...
I spoke to his Doctor yesterday who Tony had told me was referring him for cognitive behavioural therapy... She's not. She said to me there are no talking therapies that will help someone who is bipolar and CBT is not proven to work for a bipolar sufferer. That is very different to all of my research and even what my carers assessor has told me! She says medication is the only way to help control it. I now have to break to him the news that he is not going to get the CBT lifeline we thought would fix everything.
And just to complicate matters... A chap at work is flirting, heavily... He is very nice, good fun and a great distraction, but there is a line he and I must not cross. I can only imagine what that would do to someone as fragile as Tony.

The downside to posting few and far between is that I need to update you with alot of things that have been happening!
Tony suffers from Bipolar and is now on medication. He never took anything for it when we first met but that has had to change what with his episodes becoming more frequent and severe. The turning point was when he told me he hadn't been to work, despite pretending he had. In reality, he spent the day sat in the woods by himself planning his suicide. When something like that happens, you know things have to change. Since taking the tablets, the episodes have slowed and the tablets seem to soften the blow as it were. The main side effects of the medication is he is very sleepy and sleep talks regularly! Now that I have become more used to the sleep talking, his dosage has been doubled; This has led to further side effects of sleep walking! That I cannot get used to!
Last night he sat bolt upright and would not lie back down for love nor money. "Have you had your tablet?" I softly asked. "No." He then proceeded to take his tablet whilst being mostly asleep and barely remembered it this morning. Fingers crossed that never happens again and the sleep talking and walking eases off! It terrifies me to think that he may be able to get up in the night and wander outside.